Sometimes, you choose the right time to take a break. And other times, your brain chooses for you. Mine was the latter.
So I decided to take a break…
Although, if I’m being honest, it was less of a “decision” to take a break and more something that just sort of happened. I went into the New Year full of ideas and schedules and weekly content that I was going to fire out of me and onto here and prove that I can really do everything… And then I opened my laptop to write, and decided to put it off for a week. And then one week turned into two, and two turned into three, and now here we are, 10 months after my last post.
“One week turned into two, and two into three..”
I’d love to have a good excuse, or tell some grand tale of all the big amazing things I did that left me with no time for this, but it wasn’t like that. To tell the truth, I just had no desire to post. And I had no desire to force myself into it either.
The last 1.5 years have been exhausting
Given the state of the world since March 2019, it’s safe to say that everyone has undergone a transformation in some way, good or bad. And yet, as a society, we’ve continued to move on and keep our head down and push through it in (somewhat) good spirits. When we first went into lockdown, social media exploded with creative indoor photoshoots and exercise videos and new job announcements and brand new small businesses. And honestly? While overwhelming, it was incredible to see the way everyone powered on in the face of something that, if we’re being entirely truthful, has been pretty traumatic.
I was pretty much the same that summer of 2020. I finished writing a book, I revamped my blog, I found myself a full time job and I got very into fitness which led to a pretty big weight loss. By the time September rolled around and “the worst was behind us” (HA little did we know…) I was convinced that I had survived it all… That I had looked what was a dark time for me (and the rest of the world) in the eye and I had beaten it. I hadn’t needed to take a break, and instead I had risen above. And then came UK lockdowns 2 and 3…
“I will (not) be fine”
I have a terrible terrible habit of using productivity as a defence mechanism. I’ve spent so long tying being busy to my sense of personality and self-worth, to the point where I use it as something I can control when my life feels like it is falling apart. So, when it was announced that England would be going into it’s third National Lockdown, I didn’t think to take a break at all. No, I was convinced that working through it would be the way forward. I had a comprehensive calendar of blog posts, Instagram posts, Reels and TikToks (Yes, I finally caved. Follow me here) that I believed would leave me feeling productive, and consequently, or worth. (Un)surprisingly, that’s not how it worked.
Turns out, you can’t work away emotional processing, as much as you may try. And after going through March to September of 2020 convincing myself that I was over the dark parts of the year because I had come out “better” and “stronger”, it was finally time to acknowledge the depths of what I (and the world as a whole) had been through. I wasn’t struggling to post because I was lazy… I was struggling because I was burnt out. I needed to take a step back. I needed to take a break.
So I did it. I took one.
For the first time in the almost five years I’ve had this website, I didn’t think about it once. I didn’t put any pressure on myself, I didn’t brainstorm ideas, or focus on my grand return… I just took a breath. And I lived my life. And at one point, I didn’t know if I’d come back to this at all. For the first time since I started this website, I just went with the flow. I listened to my brain. And I waited until I was ready, and until I wanted to. I didn’t once think about the drop in views or the lost opportunities or the lack of growth, because none of it mattered. I was focusing on me and what I was feeling and it felt really good.
I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to really understand my mind and my body and how they intertwine and why they do what they do. I’ve been nicer to myself, and I’ve been taking the time to listen to what I need and put less pressure on myself. Taking 10 months off of writing on here, as frivolous as it may sound, was a massive step for me. It was my way of showing myself that my productivity doesn’t define me, or make me the person that I am. I can take a break and come back and nothing changes. I am still me.
“My productivity doesn’t define me, or make me the person that I am. I can take a break and nothing changes.”
So here I am, writing because I want to. Writing because I have passion and ideas again and because I want to be here. Knowing when to take a break can be a lot harder than it seems. But I am trying to tune into myself more and learn exactly what I want and need.
What’s one thing you’ve done for yourself this last year? Let me know below.
Lots of love,
Jas xx
welcome back! I was wondering where you have been. I’m glad you took the break you needed to take, and you’re feeling refreshed and in a better mindset overall xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Awww thank you so much! Yes I am feeling so much more refreshed and excited to get back to writing on here again!