Believe it or not, I’m not good with attention. I used to hate my birthdays because it meant that people would notice me, and I spent a lot of time trying to blend in as much as possible as I grew up. Now, with my blog and social media I’ve been taught to measure “success” through attention in the form of likes, comments and views, so I’ve had to adapt over time. Safe to say, jumping from one end of the spectrum to another is not amazing on the mind. And one thing I’ve had to get over is my sick-to-stomach feeling that I’m annoying everyone.
Hello new series…
During the start of the pandemic (wow remember when this was all new?), in between my crying sessions, I started to do a lot of self-reflection. And whilst I acknowledged that there were a whole host of things that I couldn’t change, I realised that there were a few I really could. One of which is the way I treat myself mentally. I’ve always been a massive overthinker and very self-deprecating. And whilst wallowing in your sadness is good every once in a while, trust me when I say I wallowed mentally just a bit too much.
“There are many things I cannot change, but I can change how I treat myself.”
With all the time alone we’ve had forced upon us this year, I’ve really taken the time to narrow down the recurring negative comments and questions I throw at myself. Since coming to terms with them, I’ve made a conscious effort to pick up on them when they enter my brain, call myself out and replace them. Over time, they’ve become fewer and further between and I’ve felt the positive impact on my self-esteem.
So, now that I’m in a better place with it all, I thought I’d start a new series. Every so often I will release a blog post titled with one of my negative thoughts. Then I’ll discuss it, let you in on my thought process a little, and talk about how I “got over it”. Of course, it’s not that easy, and they all still resurface from time to time and probably will forever… But I’ll let you in on how I tackle them when they do.
Thought number One: Am I annoying everyone?
When I first started my blog, I never really had any qualms about annoying everyone with it. The truth is, one of the things that drew me to a blog more than any other platform was that I feel like blogs are harder to hate. Blogs require reading large amounts of text, and so hate reading a blog is a whole lot of effort. I highly doubt anybody cares about disliking me enough to go through that.
“I start to worry that my stories are too braggy or ditsy… That I’m annoying everyone simply by choosing to do what I want on my own platform.”
However, the further I got into the blogging world, the more I realised how much a strong social media presence ties into it. Honestly, with the way that Facebook took over the world, a strong social media presence ties into everything. So, I started getting more active on Instagram and Twitter. And thus began the spiral of worry.
Why would anyone care about my day-to-day life?
At first, it felt incredibly awkward and unnatural. I was good at sharing blog events and experiences to my Instagram stories and grids because they were genuinely fun and interesting and I knew that other people would find them fun too. However, those events and experiences are far from frequent, especially now (Thanks COVID), and consistency is key, so overtime I started sharing more of my day-to-day. After a while, my Instagram and Twitter felt like extensions of me, and things were natural and easy and genuinely fun. Then, I’d look at the views.
I don’t check who views my Instagram stories often. Honestly, if posting something and then completely ditching wasn’t considered both bad practice and ‘bad for the algorithm’ then that would be my ideal. However, when I do look, I see a few names that fill me with a weird feeling in my gut. Most people are easy: they’re my friends or other creators or people from my past that are super lovely and supportive/curious. But then there are others; people that I’ve known that never interact with any of my posts but will be first to watch my stories… People that I feel are lurking more than anything else. And then my mind wanders.
“Reading it through the lens of these people had me picking apart every little thing.”
I don’t really think that anyone’s a “hater”. Personally, I don’t think I’m big enough or interesting enough for anyone to actually bother investing their time into hating. But I see these people looking and it feels judgemental. I start to worry that my stories are too braggy or ditsy… That me “living my life online” is some running joke in their lives. That I’m annoying everyone simply by choosing to do what I want on my own platform.
And you know what? I probably am.
I’ve spent more time thinking about this than I’d care to admit. It got to a point for a while where I scrutinised everything I said and did online because reading it through the lens of these people had me picking apart every little thing. My fear of annoying everybody with my online existence made me hate posting. Things weren’t fun and felt like work, and that’s the last thing I’ve always wanted with this.
So then I stopped checking my views. And I posted what I wanted. And if I looked at a caption and thought “That’s so cringey”, I would force myself to post it anyway. And then, as I pushed all of this more, everything became fun. More fun than it had ever been, to be honest. Because I realised that at the end of the day, I probably am annoying everybody. And there are probably people that do follow me just to judge. But I’m having fun and I’m enjoying myself, and in the cheesiest way possible, that’s all that really matters. Social media is supposed to be an outlet, and I’m quite enjoying mine.
So now I accept it
As a people pleaser, it took me a long time and a fast-paced hospitality job to realise that you just can’t please everyone. I probably am incredibly annoying. I mean, I definitely find myself annoying from time to time. But at the end of the day, I’m just living my life in a way that I enjoy living it, and I’m doing that in my own space. If people want to watch that space and feel annoyed by that, that’s their own prerogative. It took a while to start thinking that way, but it’s made a world of difference since I have.
So I’m annoying everybody, and I probably will keep annoying everybody. But that’s okay, because honestly? I’m having a great time doing it.
Do you ever feel like you’re annoying people? Let me know below – let’s start a discussion!
Lots of love,
Jas xx
I can definitely relate to that feeling of am I annoying everyone the most when it comes to Instagram/Twitter – like if someone follows me for X but I also talk about Y will that annoy them etc.
I feel like when it comes to Instagram (still a love hate relationship with that app lol) I used to check who viewed my stories – and always be super surprised that people I haven’t spoken to in years/don’t interact with any of my posts are usually one of the first to view my stories. Towards the middle of 2020 though, I did stop checking the who viewed what story etc. and can honestly say it feels almost like a load lifted not being so focused on ‘who’ is viewing and just kinda going with the flow and not checking at all.
I actually haven’t posted on my Instagram a while in relation to my blog like if I have a new post up I just wouldn’t share it on there because somehow I’ve managed to become the person who only talks about running on there but like there’s more to me than just that so slowly trying to figure out how to bring the rest of me onto my Instagram – I used to post every time I did but then I started to worry like what will people I know in real life think the silent judgement etc. but the thing is it’s a double edged sword because a friend who genuinely loves my blog thought I stopped blogging because I haven’t posted about my blog posts on Instagram at all. So slowly trying to crawl out of that hole I’ve managed to get into.
ALSO – I LOVE this line: So I’m annoying everybody, and I probably will keep annoying everybody. But that’s okay, because honestly? I’m having a great time doing it.
I definitely feel like I’m annoying people based on what I post on socials – like if I talk too much about books on twitter and not about tech or if I talk about something other than running on Instagram, but! time to get out of that mindset! hopefully soon!
Sahara
https://www.saharasdreams.com/
It’s so funny you mentioned checking who has viewed your Instagram story, because that’s one of the main things that inspired me to write this post! It can be so hard to get out of this mindset but we can both do it with time!