Remember when I said that I was doing so much better? Well, I am, but I recently experienced what could be my lowest low mentally. And a bunch of darkness came rushing right back.

What happened?

February has been… intense. So the posts have been sporadic and I, in general, have been really disengaged. Honestly, I would love to tell you exactly why, but in order for me to do that I’d have to know what was up with me, and I don’t. So that’s that really…

The weird thing about mental health declines is that a lot of the time they hit you out of nowhere. I was absolutely fine, in fact I was more than fine – I was having an absolutely great time. Then I came home one Thursday night, had a panic attack, and didn’t leave my bed for the next 5 days. My thoughts got really dark, my energy was drained, and I had next to know will to do absolutely anything. But feelings pass eventually, and at some point you have to get up and get on with your life.

Small victories

That isn’t me downplaying mental health issues, nor is it me claiming I’m 100% okay and thriving now… because I’m not. I’m still incredibly spaced out, I wake up questioning what I’m doing and why I’m here, and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. However, I’m getting out of bed, and at the moment, that’s a small victory that I’m going to take and run with.

My goal at the moment is to not put too much pressure on myself. I will hold my hands up and admit that I’m taking on too much – when am I ever not taking on too much? I thrive on side projects and keeping busy, so I can’t really blame anyone but myself. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I need to calm down a little bit. If I don’t make 3 blog posts a week, then I don’t make them. If I do not reply to comments for a few weeks, it’s not because I think I’m Beyonce or something, it’s just because I’m overwhelmed (Although trust me, I’ll reply eventually). I love everything that I’m doing, and I’d love to keep doing it, but if I cant do anything, I need to not be so hard on myself.

What does this darkness mean?

Nothing really, blog wise nothing really changes at all. I haven’t been that consistent lately anyway, because I’m in my final terms of Uni and it’s incredibly intense. However, it does mean that I’m not going to pull my hair out trying to make every upload to my own deadlines. My blog isn’t exactly going to take a back seat – I love it too much for that, but my intense focus on it is going to become a little less intense. I’ve turned down way more collaborations and reduced my workload because Uni has to be my focus at the moment. But the content will still come, just possibly less consistently.

I won’t lie, I’m a bit worried I’ll be numb and this darkness will stay for an extended period of time. It’s happened before so it could easily happen again, and it’s not exactly my favourite feeling. But, in all honesty, I don’t really have time to focus on it, so onwards we go, hoping for the best.

How’s life going for you at the moment? Let me know in the comments!

Lots of love,

Jas xx

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